Life as a Koneko

Blah.

2004-12-05T00:11:26Z

You Are the Challenger

8

You're brave, impulsive, and gutsy - loving challenges.

You act first and think later. And you're not afraid to speak up.

You are confident, so much so that you can be a bit bossy at times.

Whether people like it or not, you always stand up for yourself.

What number are you?

Gotta love being apathetic today...

konekochan1982 @ 2004-12-02T12:36:00

2004-12-02T19:42:35Z

It can't rain all the time.

Blarg...

2004-11-23T20:10:57Z

I did a bunch of quizzes since I was sick today. Here they are.

You scored as Lust.

</td>

Lust

50%

Pride

38%

Sloth

25%

Wrath

19%

Gluttony

Envy

Greed

Seven deadly sins
created with QuizFarm.com

You are 100% Sagittarius

How much do you match your zodiac sign?

You Are From Jupiter

You are exuberantly curious - and you love to explore newness.
Enthusiastic and optimistic, you get a kick out of stimulating intellectual discussions.
Foreign cultures and languages fascinate you. You love the outdoors, animals, and freedom.
Chances are you tend to exaggerate, so try to keep a lid on that.
If you do, you'll continue to be known for your confidence, generosity, and sense of justice.

What Planet Are You From?

You are "Sleeping"

What Japanese Smiley Are You?

You Are a Social Blogger!

Your blog is more of a semi-private affair for your friends.
It's how you keep in touch... sharing stories, jokes, and pics.

What kind of blogger are you?

You are Ariel from The Little Mermaid!

What Disney Princess are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your like an angel. You pocess love and bring love
to any thing or person. You love being
yourself. Even though your cute or not. I think
your just awesome. Like you are peace:)

What Type Of Girl Are You???(Amazing Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

G:

Your Beauty lies
in Individuality. Different, amazing, and all your
own. You like be set apart
from all others and most love that you do. You are
solitary at times, but for
the most part, there is no greater compliment to
you than someone telling you
that you are different. You're most likely a bit of
a fighter and you hate it
when anyone attempts to change who you are. You
wear what you want, look how you
want and don't let anyone tell you what do to. You
can be a little immature at
times and have trouble dealing with authority and
asking others for help. You
like to do things yourself and are independent
almost to a fault. But, people
still find your individuality amazing and the fact
that no matter what happens
or what anyone else anyone thinks about it, you
will not change who you are.

Some Things
That Represent You:

Element:
Dark, Fire Animal: White Tiger Color:
Bold Colors, Odd
Colors Song: Just They Way I Am by Angel
Expression: Smirk

Gemstone:
Bloodstone Mythological Creature: Phoenix,
Dragon Sign:
Leo Planet: Pluto
Hair Color: Unnatural Colors Eye
Color:
Amber

Quote:
"You laugh because I'm different. I laugh
because you're all the same."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla

Brave, strong willed, loyal and passionate
You are a sprite of Fire. Full of passion, bravery
and spice you are the living embodiment of
fire. You are quite arrogant and think yourself
above most but that is made up for by; your
passionate ability to pursue your dreams, your
strong will and your powerful well skilled
ability for fighting. You are a natural leader,
people are somewhat drawn to you and see you as
someone to look up to but you only pay
attention to them if they are useful, your
equal or your superior. You are a very exciting
person to be near for you have a vast love of
adventure and battle. Fire is a symbol of
Passion if and when you choose to love you are
capable of beautiful, long lasting, devoted
love. You are quite wondrous!

.::=What type of mythical Sprite are you?=::. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

There ya go. Don't agree with all of them completely, but these are the best I've taken today.

^_^

It's over...

2004-11-08T21:57:17Z

It's officially over between Jack and me.

He said goodbye.

HE hung up the phone.

HE ended it.

It's over.

And I'm not crying. He won't get another tear from me. He won't get anything from me.

It's over.

Sorry for not believing everyone (Lankycat especially) who told me how this would go.

But I was right about one thing.

It doesn't hurt.

Just to let you know I'm alive...

2004-11-06T18:23:38Z

ABOUT YOU:

x. name = Lindsay
x. nicknames = Angel, Tiger, BRAT
x. birthday = December 21, 1982
x. piercings = eyebrow, ears, tounge, industral.
x. tattoos = Brujah Clan symbol as a shoulder cap, butterfly geisha mask on the small of my back
x. height = 5'1"
x. shoe size = 6 1/2 womens
x. hair color = Currently? Pink.
x. length = Jaw length, getting longer...
x. eye color = Light Amber. (Want proof? I gotta new pick of me with my amber necklace. The eyes and the necklace match...)
x. siblings = From Megan (birthmother): Older brother Gryffan, twin sister Krys, younger half-sister Roweena. From Linda: Younger sisters Amber and Megan, younger brothers Areand and Gerrit.
x. pets = Two cats with me, Blitzball and Tinkerbell; two cats with my folks, Dipstick and Kravitz.

LAST:

x. movie you rented = Uhm... I think it was Tomb Raider...
x. movie you bought = Urf. Harry Potter CoS.
x. song you listened to = Adams Ship "Pencil Fight"
x. song that was stuck in your head = "One Song Glory" From RENT
x. song you've downloaded = I don't download music.
x. cd you bought = Crossfade
x. cd you listened to = *smacks head* Crossfade...
x. tv show you've watched = Watching Kids Next Door.
x. person you were thinking of = *laughs* Casey.
x. time you had sex = Yesterday morning before work. *nods*
x. thing you ate = McDonalds Big and Tasty... Sometime around 2pm yesterday...

DO:

x. you have a bf or gf = Not really...
x. you have a crush on someone = Gee, like, TODAY! (read: Casey)
x. you wish you could live somewhere else = Manitou Springs.
x. you think about suicide = Not really.
x. you believe in online dating = Hmm... I don't know...
x. others find you attractive = I don't know... Signs point to yes.
x. you want more piercings = YES.
x. you want more tattoos = YES.
x. you drink = Sometimes... Not that often.
x. you do drugs = Not currently.
x. you smoke = Yes. Alot.
x. you like cleaning = Only when I'm mad.
x. you like roller coasters = YES.
x. you write in cursive or print = Chicken scratch mixture of both.
x. you carry a donor card = Not that I'm aware of... I wouldn't wish my body on anyone else.

BEST:
x. gum = Starbucks cappacino...
x. tv show = CSI. Or Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. Love them both.
x. thing in the world = ........................................
x. thing to collect = CDs, Comics, V:TM books!
x. colors of all time = black, red, white... Though I'm obsessed with green too.
x. thing to do on a rainy day = Play extreme tag all around my apartment complex. Then snuggle up.
x. feeling in the world = Falling asleep in Casey's arms.

FAVORITE:
x. food = Sushi and sasimee
x. song = Hard to pick just one. "Cold" by Crossface, "One Song Glory" from the Rent soundtrack, "So it Goes" by Billy Joel... Etc...
x. thing to do = Hang out with my friends.
x. thing to talk about = Currently? Casey. *laughs* Are we catching the theme here?
x. sports = Soccer or Football.
x. drinks = Mt. Dew, Kool-aid, Chai Tea, GINSING!!!
x. clothes = Don't really do brand names. What I like is what I like.
x. picture = http://profiles.yahoo.com/phoenixangelius New one coming soon.
x. movies = Labyrinth, Dark Crystal, HP, Demon City Shinjuku, Sol Bianca
x. band = DKM, Racid, Crossfade, Shinedown, ICP, etc...
x. holiday = Halloween

WHAT:
x. shampoo do you use = TiGi Oatmeal and Honey
x. perfume do you use = If I wear any, it's either essencial Citrus oil, or Clinique Happy.
x. shoes do you wear = My HT shit kickers.
x. are you afraid of = Zombies seem to be my only real fear...

LUST

x. how many people have seen you naked (not counting physicians/family)?: DEAR GOD! This'll make me sound like a slut if I answer it...
x. have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation?: Yes. And we'll leave it at that...
x. have you "done it"?: Err... Uhm... Slutville here I come...
x. what is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of your choice: Hair. Eyes. Hands.
x. have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?: Nope.
x. have you ever had to get tested for an std or pregnancy?: Yes. Every six months I get tested for STDs.

GREED
x. how many credit cards do you own?: NONE. THANK GOD!
x. what's your guilty pleasure store?: Hot Topic.
x. if you had $1 million, what would you do with it?: Hmm... Buy my own salon, buy a house, buy a CAR, and a bunch of other stuff.
x. would you rather be rich, or famous?: Don't know. Don't they kind of go hand and hand?
x. would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?: Possibly.
x. have you ever stolen anything?: Only hearts.... ;)
x. how many mp3s are on your hard drive?: Nope, none.

There you go, everything you wanted to know about me.

Oui.....

2004-09-05T18:34:55Z

Wow, it's been for fucking ever since I had a chance to be at the computer without working on the web-page...

Well, I'm working with a coven right now, sort of being an events cordinator for the work they want to do, that's taking up a lot of the time that I'm not at work.

I also decided to end my Friday games. Unfortunetly, on Friday it got to the point where the tangents and the flirting between player pissed me off enough to do this. Why the hell should I run a game if people don't want to play it???

Other than that, I've just been working my ass off. My life sux...

It's that time again!

2004-08-03T06:00:19Z

Time for another good idea, bad idea.

Good idea: a 6'1" guy in a mosh pit

Bad idea: a 5'1" girl in a mosh pit.

Yes, I go into mosh pits. I like just letting go and getting thrown around and throwing my weight (all 130lbs of it) around. This time, at the Shinedown concert, disaster struck. I was wearing my shitkicker boots and the heel of my boot came off, so I was trying to get to Jack so I could get my boots off. Well, apparently, I got cold cocked on my face, and promptly got knocked out. Shinedown did .45 while I was out cold. Fucking figures. Angel, the walking disaster strikes again.

So now, I missed the rest of the show, but the owner of 32blu said to call him and he'd get me tickets to the next show 'cause I missed this one. I'm thinking one that's less... Active.

PS: As an after thought, apparently mama bear was in rare form tonight and threw guys around to get an unconcious me outta the mosh pit. And the lead singer of the opening act kept coming up to check on me. Not a total loss. (meOW!...I can look, can't I?)
PPS: The apparent indicator that I was feeling better was the fact that I threw a tantrum and said "I should at least get to meet the band for this shit!"

Yes...

2004-07-31T00:17:57Z

...I'm still alive.

BOO.

Okies, this is better...

2004-07-01T04:34:15Z

My job is officially the coolest job I've ever had. If it's dead, we all sit outside, smoking and bullshitting. If it's busy, everyone takes turns so no one gets screwed outta cuts.

And my manager is a gamer.

t3h fucking r0x0r.

Tonight we spent two hours debating the finer points of Neverwinter Nights, Baulder's Gate, D&D, and I told him all about V:TM and my Friday game. He might even start playing with us. Did I mention I got him to play Pokemon during the first two hours of the shift? Yeah. He'd never played or even heard of Pokemon and I corrupted him to the joys of cute little animals beating the shit outta each other. I even let him save the game so he could keep playing later.

In other news, I'm going to get a car from barefootgirl's next door neighboor. Ford Aspire. 94. 86,000 miles. 700$$$. Hell yeah. With the money I got for my car (RIP Saturn. I hope you're in the racetrack in the sky...) I can buy the car, pay off my parents, and have roughly 900$$$ left over. Hell fucking yeah. Which means, a new bed 'cause this futon is killing me, new clothes (God I need it...) and a large cushion left over for either A) a down payment on another car for when the Aspire dies or B) a real computer. I reitterate: Hell fucking yeah.

For the first time in over a year, things are starting to look up. *quickly runs off to knock on wood so she doesn't jinx herself.*

Increadibly pissed off...

2004-06-18T16:19:34Z

A quick note to my anonymouse "friend":

THINGS I HAVE TOLD YOU IN CONFIDENCE NEED TO STAY THE FUCK OUTTA THE COMMENTS PAGE.

I have never felt more betrayed in my life. And I don't even know who to be upset at. At least step up and tell me who it is.

Thanks for being my "friend"

Well that feels better...

2004-06-17T02:27:25Z

As the title states, I feel better. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Today, I quit worked. Packed up my shit and left. Left a note explaining why I was quitting, which was something to the degree of "I'm tired of being taken advantage of, I'm tired of people walking all over me."

I'm not cut out for management. I try to appese everyone, and since they wouldn't let me step down, I quit. I won't be able to work for Regis Corp. again, but that's ok with me. Regis has always shit on me, and I'm sick of it.

I also realized I try to do the same things in real life. While I can't quit my life, I can make changes.

When I figure it all out, I'll let everyone know. Until then, I'm probably not going to be the cheeriest person around. Just a warning.

Hindsight is 20/20...

2004-06-14T17:49:16Z

I remember this fight I got into with Goober. He was in one of his moods and trying to walk out on me. First, I got pissed. I was screaming at him that he wasn't going to leave me without telling me why. Then when he finally turned around, and I saw the murderous look in his eyes, I got scared. He told me I had till the count of three to get out of his way. 1... I grabbed his belt and started to cry. 2... I started to beg. 3... I started to sob. And then he picked me up by my arms and threw me across the room. I hit the bed post, fell over it and hit my head on the dresser, landing on my ass on his guitar case. It was at that moment when I was staring up at him through my own blood that I got pissed again and swore NO ONE would ever do that to me again. I jumped up and bull rushed him, slamming my shoulder into his hip, while at the same time kneeing him in the back of his knees. He fell over hard, hitting the bookshelf on the way down. I jumped on his chest, holding his shoulders down with my feet, hitting him as hard as I could in the face, screaming at him that he wasn't leaving me like this, that dispite it all I still loved him, and that he was never under any circumstance going to do that to me ever again or so help me God I would kill him.

I also made a promise to myself that night while I was nursing my wounds. NO ONE would ever do that to me again. No one would ever get the chance. If I thought for a second that some one would, I would remove myself from the situation before they had a chance by getting them outta my life.

Since then, I have removed several people (not just boyfriends, gal pals too) from my life that threatened that oath.

With this in mind, would people PLEASE stop thinking Jack is going to get the chance to hurt me??? If I thought for a second that he would ever physically hurt me, he would be removed faster than it takes the thought to form in either of our heads.

Dom...

2004-06-09T17:40:23Z

konekochan1982's LJ stalker is redwindranger!

redwindranger is stalking you because you are really good at bowling. They are also in jail for murder!

LJ Stalker Finder
From Go-Quiz.com

You got some 'splanin' to do!!! ;)

She's baaaaaaack.....

2004-06-08T16:57:11Z

So I got my internet back a week or so ago (Thanks Mom) And I haven't updated so I thought I should.

Yesterday sucked. I was on my way to work and sitting at the red light at main and 85/87 when some old lady smacks right into me. Rearended. Car not driveable. Severe whiplash. Spent the next four hours chasing down two insurance companies, a rental car place, my staff at work, and an auto body shop.

Finally got home around three thirty and my neck hurt like hell. Jack talked me into going to the hospital. Two hours later I have two presctiptions and thank god for Jack. I didn't have the money for it so he paid the 112$ for the prescriptions and he paid for it. My folks will pay him back of course, but still. So now I'm loaded up on muscle relaxers and percaset. Go me.

Ok, off to update the other journal and off to work.

Finally broken.

2004-05-18T08:31:49Z

It get's in your eyes
It's making you cry
Don't know what to do
Don't know what to do
Looking for love
Calling heaven above

Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now

Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now

Empty dreams can only disappoint
In a room behind your smile
But don't give up, don't give up
You can be lucky in love

Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now

Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now

Congrats. I am finally utterly and truely broken. I've only had a dry eye for maybe two hours since Rei called me this morning. I've cried all day other than that. I got it under control for a bit but lost it at the club, the first time I've ever cried publicly. (Yes, that includes funerals.) That is how bad I'm broken. To much shit has happened in the past few months. I can't deal with it anymore. I've moved past upset, past anger, now past tears into that special place at the center of brokeness where I look around and wonder what the fuck just happened. Today alone:

1) Love and miss you Rei. Take care and don't do anything stupid.
2) I warned you Hux. I warned you that I would cry if you ever got a girl. Sorry if breaking is a bit overboard.
3) Drama on the homefront, (You know who you are. I'll not mention names merely for the fact it's rude to use names online without asking for premission.) I know you're reading this, you stated in your own LJ that you would. Please know this: I hold no malice against you and this is not a man-stealing case. Hell, two weeks ago I didn't even know you existed. He deleted the link to your LJ which struck me as odd, so I hunted it down and read it again. I am truely sorry. Closer is a wonderful thing and something few people get. I wish you nothing but the best.

So,
Anyone wishing to talk, my phone is always on.
Anyone wishing to see a broken me, my door is always open.
Anyone wishing to love, my heart is closed.
Anyone wishing to see me cry, I'm out of tears.
Anyone wishing to hurt me, take a number and get in line.

Pieces of Me...

2004-05-15T08:34:50Z

I don't know why but I do
Dream of you.
Losing you
I dream of you.
I don't know why but I do
Think of you.
Though we're through
I think of you.

Is it the same way for you?
Doesn't hi and goodbye sound so cruel?
How can I take my heart from you?
Even even though I'm losing you,
I still dream of you.
I dream of you.
~*~
You'll awaken
Someday when it's too late
You'll suddenly find me gone.
Will my memory haunt you long?
Will you wake up at nights to my song?

A strange sensation
My thoughts circle 'round you.
Ignoring your cue you're near.
All through the workday you'd hear
If you'd treated me right I'd be here.
If you'd taken the time to be near
If my love was so right why the fear?
If you'd treated me right I'd be here.
If you'd taken the time to be near
If your love was so right why the fear?
~*~
Our lives in twain, the heart's desire,
The sinful fears and righteous fire;
To make quick meat the lives of men,
From sucked babes to dust again.
What lies beneath the title page,
A lover's quarrel, a poor man's grave;
A passion cry, a madman's sigh,
The smell of powder, death and thighs.
We wander through a file of days,
Distracted by our petty ways,
Until one day we live no more,
But cease to be and cut the cord.
"Remember me", we cry to late,
"My life was more than just two dates."
But what if we could go again?
If God said YES upon a whim.
If you were free to choose anew,
Would you choose me
To be with you?
~*~
I am waiting for you to see
What you do to me and to stop it
Running late

I am waiting for you to love me
Please come and touch me
I'll thank you
Running late

Desperate running to
Catch you briefly to
Let you see me
When I can be wrong

Count the pennies you give to me
Days I dare to say what I'm thinking
Running late

I hold wonders in dreams and slumbers
I work to want to release them
Running late

Blazed and blasting they swear it's lasting to
Hear the footsteps behind me
Running late

Desperate running to
Catch my dream globe I
See my heart in
The middle on fire

Running late
~*~
day by day we lose our civility when
night by night we play with hostility
seeding our hearts with constant desire
burning the proof in heavenly fire

hide me away in the black of your heart
hide me away and we'll make a new start
hide me away in the black of your heart
hide me away and pick me apart

hide me away in the black of your heart
hide me away in the black of your heart
hide me away in the black of your heart
~*~

I may understand, but that doesn't mean I like it.

I'm still waiting.

Hiding my soul...

2004-05-13T23:19:05Z

Mission: Lunch with Justyn and Elmo. Status: Complete. Outcome: Sore.
Mission: Linda talk. Status: Complete. Outcome: Good
Mission: PJ talk. Status: Complete. Outcome: Questionable
Mission: Jackie talk. Status: Complete. Outcome: Further negotiations needed.
Mission: Steve talk. Status: Complete. Outcome: Negotiable.

You should all thank Steve now. He was the one person who could get me to do it, and he managed to say the right thing while bribbing me with cheesecake. After learning what I needed to know from him, he did the one thing that played on my weakness for him. He asked me to make him a promise. Knowing in my heart I could never deny him anything, I agreed.

I promised to stay and got rewarded with cheesecake. (insert kitty meow here, accompanied by grumbles about how I can never deny him anything and bribes.)

We also decided to hook two of our gay friends up with eachother Monday at Indie Nation. This'll be good. We both agree we need more straight friends.

I've also become aggrivatingly obsessed with Kingdom Hearts the past few days. Trying to do EVERYTHING on expert is turning into a feat. READ: This is a Steve/PSOesque obsession. Don't expect me to be doing much else. Off work on Sunday, so hopefully I should get at least 12hrs of gametime in. I'm horrid.

Blearg. More to come if Kingdom Hearts allows it.

Drunken Babble (AKA the envoy of assholes)

2004-05-11T06:30:05Z

DISCLAIMER:

1) I'm drunk
2) I'm burned out
3) I'm drunk
4) I'm running on fatigue
and 5) I'm drunk
That out of the way, let's get onto the post!

Jack made me a promise tonight on my prompting. I asked him to promise me he'll get me outta here. Outta this town, outta this life. In him I can heal. Through him I can live a life I've longed for. Through him I can love again. He got upset and said he was just a footnote in my life. He's not. He's the guy I'm going to marry. We've already agreed on it.

Before I get comments about kids playing house, please remember one simple thing. I can't live my life waiting for things to happen to me. I have to take control. And I love him. While this is hard for most people to understand, it's my choice. When he leaves for his next post, I will go with him.

I will also be ending my Friday night game after the Aftermath is finished. I'm killing it. I will no longer play or run a game on Fridays. I'm sick of the drama. I'm SO sick of the drama. I need to get away from it.

My mind is made up.

Deal.

I still love you all. I always will. And you know where I'll be for coffee and stuff. But you guys will have to contact me at first. Still much MFCL to you all.

A bit of my heart and soul...

2004-05-05T15:40:16Z

It always happens like this. I always end up hurting someone. I never mean to, and those who know me know this. There was a point in time in my life when I enjoyed the utter destruction of someone else, it helped ease the pain I felt to bring them to my layer of personal hell. Thank God for Goober, who gave me the kick in the ass I wholly needed to snap me out of that mode.

Maybe I should go back and explain things.

My first group of friends in CO contained a jaded Jessica, a beautiful Shanti, a wannabe skater Raechel, a eastcoast girl Amber, my ambiguosly gay Elmo, the insane (literally) Joe, the tender Ryan, John Wayne meets Dracula Mike, and Goober and Janista, my best friends who I will go into more detail about later. While each of us had our own friends outside of the group, we were still a group in and of ourselves. It was during that time I was first faced with mortality. It was ninth grade. I was fifteen.

I will never forget that day. The morning I came upstairs and my mom told me to sit down, she had something to tell me. Joe and Ryan were in a car crash the day before. Ryan was dead. Joe was dying.

We all took it very hard. It was the first funeral I'd been to for someone I cared about. The way he looked inside the coffin is burned in my mind's eye forever. His family clung to their faith and I lost mine. I remember the priest's words. "God has a plan for everything and everyone." Why? I wanted to scream. Why did God take my friend away? Someone with so much potential to get out of this hell hole we called home? I had watched him beat all the odds and quit drugs, to dream of going to culinary arts school and open up a resturant in New York. Why Ryan?

A month later I was visiting one of my friends who was like an older brother to me, Savio. I hadn't heard from him that day and he stood me up for lunch, so I conned a ride out of Goober to get to his house. I remember a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was wrong. I rushed through his house looking for him, finally taking the dreaded path into his bedroom. The smell hit me as I walked through the doors. The purtid smell of blood. The smell glogged my throat and made it hard to breathe. I remember in startling detail everything about his room the way it was that day. The bathroom door was cracked and I ran in. There he lay in his jacuzzi tub, the water a dusky pink from all the blood. He looked at me and smiled as I ran in and jumped into the tub. I held him in my arms whispering futlie pleas of "Don't die." I watched the light fade from his eyes while I cried and screamed. I don't remember the rest of the day.

Two weeks later Janny cried in my arms covered in black bruises that her step father left upon her body. She confided in me that he also raped her. She left the next day to live in New York with her brother. He called me the next day to tell me she had killed herself.

I'll stop this train with saying that I lost two more friends in the next month. Two more to car crashes.

I shut off all emotions. I couldn't stand it. I didn't want to hurt anymore. For me, the pain of caring and loosing was greater than the pain of not caring at all. I shoved all my friends away. I crawled into depression again and shut the door to my cave. I still don't know how my family dealt with me. It wasn't easy. One day Goober showed up and went upside my head, literally, and told me to snap out of it. I started to wean myself off of not caring. But I still din't have all emotions. I could not feel love or fear or anger. The three base emotions I had no access to.

I moved to Califoria three years ago after a messy split from my first fiancee after he raised a hand to me. I again felt the love for someone in my Night Kitten. I helped pull him out of the depression he felt, and inso doing found salvation for myself. It was there I was first told I was two things. I was the light that shined in my friend's hearts, I was the good thing that I saw in people. And that I was the perfect drug. That people got high from being around me. I scoffed at both.

It was also during this time I found my inner strength by living on the streets and working for under the table money as a dominatrix to support my drug habit. I also hooked for some time. I found my strength but lost myself. I reevaluated my life and found that you can run from problems, but you can't run from yourself. I came out of my drug haze long enough to call daddy and ask to come home.

I still haven't found that home. I had hoped to find it with this new group of friends. I only found heart to break and to have mine broken.

I've changed, true, I found how to love. I found how trust. I found how to open up my thoughts and my feelings. But I've lost myself again, something I swore I'd never lose again. I have to find my way back to me.

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannnot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you

And I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

This is my apology to those who know and love me. I never meant to get so cold. I never meant to lose myself. I never meant to hurt any of you. Which is why I am thinking about leaving the group before I hurt anyone else or hurt myself.

YO SPY!

2004-04-30T06:33:41Z

Should go shoot pool sometime.

(Yes, that is the whole post. Deal.)

After all that heavy shit...

2004-04-28T15:07:12Z

I haven't gone back to sleep yet and just update the look of the site, which I'm sure you would have noticed unless you're blind, but if you are why are you online anyways?

Algebra on six hours of sleep... Damn PPCC... Making me think...

In a journal...

2004-04-28T13:16:08Z

These thoughts were written on my vacation. Those not Hux tolerrant should probably skip Sat in this post. And no one please ask why I'm up at the buttcrack of dawn. I don't even know.

Fri 23, bout 4am
Just got done talking to Jordan for several hours. Brought me to tears, the ass. We were talking about Goobs and when I'll be able to talk about him without crying. And what he meant to both of us. And all the good things like that. He said that I was "Always Goober's girl, whether you two were together at the time or not speaking to eachother. You completed him, and from the look in you eyes now, he completed you. You don't look, I dunno... You eyes look broken now. Like with him died a piece of you." To which I teared up again and told him to just shut up please and cried into his chest for a while.

Fri 23, bout 7pm

Wonder where the boys are and what they're doing without me. Now is when we normally start game and I wish I hadn't had to have call it off. But I needed the time away. And I needed to smooth out some things. And... Aw hell, I can't justify it. I'm bored off my ass. FSC. I really do like hanging out with the boys, dispite all the tangents, and the molding, and all the assholes in one place picking on eachother... Ok, I now remember it's not all that fun. THANK GOD Linda joined so I'm no longer the only female swimming in a giant post-puberty sea of testosterone.

Sat 24, bout 3am

God help me, I miss him. I miss his eyes, the depth to him, the way it sometimes felt like I was hitting a brick wall trying to gaze into them. I miss his hands, the long fingers. I miss his arms and how it felt when he held me. I miss his hair, and how he flips it when he thinks no one's looking. I miss the way his laugh almost reaches his eyes and for a moment I can think he's happy. I miss the way it feels to be snuggled up next to him watching some anime under the tiger blanket on a Friday night. I miss the feel of his soft shirt under my cheek when I lay my head over his heart. I even miss the "get over it" look he'd give me when I was pouting damnit!

I miss Steve, but more important than that, I miss my FRIEND. I miss curling up on the couch watching campy B flicks or love stories with Woody Allen and Christina Ricci. I miss snuggling up and watching anime after game on Friday. I miss being able to call him up and ask what the game plan was without feeling like I was intruding.

HE was the one that didn't want anything to change, yet I'm just following his lead. He's calling the music and the dance, I'm just trying to keep up. It'd be alot easier if he'd heard of this little thing called communication. Telling someone what you want helps. Keeps confusion at a minimum.

Sat 24, bout 11pm, The last desperate plea...

I will say this one last time to get it out of my system. I love you Hux. Always will. No matter how far you push me away. But I miss my friend. Therefore, if you never want to hear me say it again, tell me and I'll not.

"What'll we do?
What'll we say?
Where is the end of this game that we play?
Will we crumble
Into the dust my friend
Or will we start this whole game over again?"

Sun 25, the sun is up, therefore it's to early...

I will always be here if Steve wants and/or needs me. But I can't put my life on hold for a possibility that may never come into fruition. I have to move on, though I'll never get over it. Does this make any sense to anyone???

That's all I got that makes any sort of sense. So those were my rambling you didn't get to see, until now. Now, I'm either going back to bed, or making use of this energy and cleaning.

Blarg

2004-04-19T07:42:21Z

I got a request to update my blog from my friend and fellow lover-of-all-things-furry Andrew. Having nothing honestly worthwhile to say, I figured I'd rant a bit and then throw in some filler.

I haven't updated in so long because a) I had house guests and b) I busted my fucking foot. Two broken toes and three torn ligaments or tendons, (I don't remember what they're called.) BTB, if you have a busted foot, everyone and their mother's dog will find a way to either jar it or step on it. It's not fun.

In family life, my brother wants to talk about all the shit that's happened between us. What happened is a personal matter that I'll not post here. If you want to know ask and I'll answer, I just won't post it for everyone. Let's just say it's a major reason for my huge independant/codependant streak. I don't know if I want to. I wish Kitten was still around for me to talk to about this, he was my bro friend and my best friend. He knew everything that went on between Gryfan and I, and knew what affect it had on each of us. I really need someone to talk to about it, but no one in the family knows and nor will I tell them. (sorry sissy)

In other news I've been thinking alot about my ex Steve (not Hux) and how fucked up I was years ago, mentally and emotionally and how it's all turned around. I guess I can fault Scott for a lot of things but not that. He really helped me get my head on straight and I will be eternally gratefull for that, but now it's up to me to keep it on straight and I feel it falling apart. I'm so confused and really need a chance to take a step back and reevaluate my life and who/what is important to me. Hence vacation coming up. I leave 20th at night and come back the 28th around noon. Between those dates if I don't update it's because I have no access to a computer. Also, unless I call you, consider the phone to be off.

I've also been thinking alot about what would happen if I died tonight. Please no one take that as to mean I want to die, but what ifs and whyfors, ok? I once thought that I could never die happy, but now I think I can. I can honestly look back on my life and know it's not been wasted. I look at what everyone has said I've taught them and I smile because I've made a difference. My biggest fear has always been to die alone and no one cares. Now I know people would care. And that makes me happy. But what have I taught you? (Yes you, the one staring at the computer screen.)

And I leave you with these questions to think about:
What are the ten most defining moments of you life?
What are the seven most critical choices you have made to put you on your current path?
Who are the five most pivotal people in your world and how have they shaped you?

Thoughts

2004-04-11T19:15:25Z

I once berated a friend of mine for insisting she loved a guy who didn't love her. I swore up and down love was a two way street and that if your love wasn't recipicated, it wasn't really love. I looked at my parents and figured true love was when two people love eachother.

I was wrong. Because I know in my heart that I love Steve. But I also know that he doesn't love me. So, I was wrong. And I'm sorry for doubting you Becca. I guess you can be in love with someone who doesn't love you.

So I guess I'll wait, because I don't want anything else. I'm sorry to those who this will hurt. But also please remember that these are just thoughts floating in my head. No decicion have been made yet. I need to get over the fear of hurting people. I also need to remember what I tell everyone else. I have no control over other peoples reactions to my actions.

All of my friends are patiently waiting for me to pull my head outta my ass and get over Steve, but I can't. I just can't deny these feelings I have. I just wish with my heart of heart he could open his heart up to me.

I don't know. I want to wait, but at the same time the old saying "Don't hold your breath." keeps flashing through my mind.

Hm...

Fuckshitcock

2004-04-10T05:08:07Z

IT WAS ALL A FUCKING TRAINING MISSION!!!!

I hate you all.

Though this isn't to different than my three months of V:TM being just a dream, it still kills me.

In other news: I'm thinking about quiting work and going to a different salon that does booth comission, i.e. They get a certian amount on every dollar I do. I'm also probably going to be moving into a three bedroom apartement with Jackie and her son.

And now we're watching Excel Saga.

Help me???

Please???

PS: Danny will end up killing her housemates. Starting with Chamber. Just cause I want to. I need to stop living vicariously through my character. *sighs*